Distorted Cerebration

Let’s see,

In 7th-8th grade I was president of the Youth Usher Board,

By surprise I awarded some Salvation Army good will award (along with some other students) at graduation from 8th grade.

In High School I was awarded “Sportsmanship” award, and I was never an athlete,

In College, sophomore year I was president of the Black Student Union. Like years previous although we were only required to host 2 events a semester, we hosted at least 2 events per month, with week long events in April.

During that time I was the lead programmer for the Student Aide Org, which managed the labs… I helped hire future programmers.

I also went from the random student programmer to the only guy in the office which knew NT4 which was just being released. The Admins of the box deferred to me…

When my Manager left who was a Full Time employee, and I was still a student the only person who could handle the technical stuff when he left was me. The student.

I led many projects, helped many a people, and advanced not because I demanded it, but because people felt I deserved it.

I became a manager, and although it was only a two person department I still managed staff and projects.

I was a Guild Leader, a Class Leader, a Council Member and a Raid Leader in WoW in the past few years…

And after all of this and many more things that I have no time to write about….

I don’t have enough ’supervisory’ experience, to do a job that I know I would do well in, a job that many people I work with feel I would do well in, people I’ve worked in the past, if we got along or not, feel I would do well in.

It’s really a fucking kick in the teeth.

At least that’s how it feels.

I am very, very disappointed.  I finally grew a set. After all these years finally grew a set and asked a woman out.  Out to lunch. Had a time and date set and everything. And what happens?  Snow.  Not just “Oh it’s snowing”. No I mean “And the skies opened up and there was a great flurry. The earth trembled under the weight of the heavens as it let loose it’s frozen wrath” snow.

So lunch was cancelled.

And with that everything disappeared.  Oh I asked her for a rain check “maybe dinner instead” (in email as that was the only real available correspondence medium at the time).  Ninja Vanish.

I say to you “WTF?!”

Why is it that having a friendly conversation is no big deal, but me showing any kind of interest beyond ‘hey you’re someone to talk to at this moment” warrants ninjutsu style disappearing acts.

If I got a Will Smith style “aw, hell no” type response I could deal with that better than “*poof*”.

Granted, it’s quite possible that she didn’t see the email.  It’s quite possible that she hasn’t gotten around to responding yet.  But considering this is the N’th time something like this has happened to me I’m betting on the ninjutsu.

Maybe, somehow, someway she didn’t realize my “intentions” about lunch until she saw the dinner invitation.  I’ve seen it happen before. To me no less.  But how can that be possible?  Someone you barely see, although you work at the same place ask you out to lunch.  Odds are that they are interested in seeing you outside of work.

I am Jack’s rotting soul.

I’m at a complete and utter fucking loss here.  There has to be something wrong with me, but I just don’t know what it is.  It’s not like I can go back and ask the ninja to tell me why they took to shadows. (Well cause I can’t find them ).

And some of you, may say that posts like these are a reason why….. maybe.  But not posting, not thinking like this doesn’t get me closer to changing for the better now does it?

fucking sigh.

WTF, things were looking up for a minute there, then boom can’t get anything accomplished today. Having enough issues that I’m contemplating hiding under the covers until tomorrow. I don’t think I’ve gotten 1 thing accomplished today. And even though my foot’s on the gas, I don’t seem to be getting anywhere.

Thought I’d play some WoW to ease my mind. Wait who are we kidding, I was gonna do that anyway. But now instead of my cable modem which has been dying randomly for the past month or so, it’s now something completely random that keeps disconnecting me… while I’m fighting a mob.

/le sigh , /le bitch, /le sigh

(omg, I’m having deja vu of writing about having deja vu of this post… yeah brain hurts)

So I visited some friends that I haven’t seen in a while this past weekend. Strangely enough I spent a good deal of time during the party talking to the “new” people. People we play WoW with but had never met in real life before then. During this trip it became clear that this past weekend may be the last time that whole lot of people get together. Strictly for location reasons nothing morbidly serious for that group.

Anywho, it was that realization that gave birth to another realization. They’re the last group of friends that I hang out with somewhat regularly.

All my other friends, still see each other but it’s done in more of a spontaneous nature not in the “I know I will see them again” like it was with this group.

So between this sad set of realizations, my third smoke of the day and pleasant sunday afternoon I decided it was time. Time to stop making excuses and finally start making moves on something I wanted. A relationship.

(Though I have to admit, part of this motivation was sparked by one of my friends new girlfriend. Awesome little woman).

So I go to the same online hangout I’ve been to a hundred times before, and a hundred times been disappointed. This time I was pleasantly surprised by what I saw. So I made a move. And surprisingly I got a favorable response.

Now what?

I have no clue what to talk about. I don’t talk, I listen, and respond. I interject when it’s appropriate. But now I’m in the driver seat and I haven’t a fraking clue where I’m supposed to drive to. Oh I know where I would like to end up, but it’s not somewhere that has a specific destination. If that makes any sense.

Many times before when I was in the driver seat, I ended up driving into brick walls, or the dreaded part of town called the Friend zone. Oh what a nasty place that is.

But now I need to keep my bearings, and drive true… if only I knew how to drive.

Sheesh.

So I’ve not been right for awhile, moreso in the past week.  (Mentally it’s been forever, I’m talking physically).  So much so that I’ve been contemplating if these are my last days.  If the body was gonna give before I thought I was ready.

And I realized that when thinking of the choice,  letting the end of all things of my world, end, or fighting tooth and nail… I was torn.  Continuing on like I am doesn’t seem that powerful of a thing to fight for.  Nothing jumped out at me other than the general fear of death itself.

Have I ever been happy?  Dunno.  I recall my mother stating how happy I was once.  Once.  That’s when I was dating the last chick, the one with more drama than any man should have to be a part of, and was still oblivious to the level of drama this chick generated.

Only time I seemed to of exuded happiness.   So other than drama filled curly haired (damn beautiful) women, what else is there to fight for?

I still don’t have an answer for that.

But then something happened today which makes me lean more to the fighting side. Something so benign but yet so powerful it made me smile.

It rained.

Not just rain, it poured.

That sound is just so fantastic.  I dunno what it is that is so uplifting about the sound of rain.

I only can think of one movie quote to explain it.  May not match up 100% with where I am right now but it still kinda fits.

“God is in the rain”

It’s bad when you can’t even think of something to buy as a means of Retail Therapy . I remember a day when retail therapy took all about the time it took to drive down to Best Buy and pick out the thing I wanted. Nowadays I can’t think of something I want to buy. Even as a toy.

“When all the smiles are out of town, your placebo is too weak. You’re in the Syndrome.”

And today, a day when I could use a bit of retail therapy to take my mind away from whatever it is that bothers it so (which I truly have no clue what it is), I can’t think of anything to buy.

Ok, I can think of things to buy but I know they’re not even going to last an hour of use. I would get past opening the box and then become bored with it.

le sigh.

Ok, so I’m stubborn. Most people know me as laid back and such, except for when it comes to my job. Then the asshole in me comes out in tsunami’s. But despite how stubborn I can be, and like to do things my way, I am not so blinded by my awesomeness that I can’t see the bigger picture. (yes that does parse correctly. I can see the bigger picture ;-P ).

So when I am fucking pissed off at this person at my job, I can do so cleanly. Without any hypocrisy. OK… so maybe I did some things at the last job that has some hyprocatic components to it. But that’s behind me now.

Anyway, this person, refuses to do things the way “the group” does it. Individuality, I’m all for it, except for when it adversely affects the way other people who are responsible for the same things you do. Especially when ANYTHING in the chain of things we are responsible for can quickly become the weakest link.

We as SysAdmins are the gatekeepers, we need to be on the same page. And for you to go off and do your own thing… giving reasons like “Oh that’s too hard for me to remember”… is going to leave holes in the gate and WE as a team are going to pay the price for the thieves in the night.

“Oh it’s just a test box” you say. So the fuck what. It is live on OUR network, it is a link, temporary or not, that can become a threat to everything that is production.

And it’s not your primary responsibility. That system you are working on is not what your skills were brought on to do. And quite frankly I worry about those supposed skills sometimes. You’ve proven me wrong here and there, but not enough to take you out of the ‘watch closely’ column.

I heard you mention that a lot of your skills are going to waste. Err… no. Those supposed skills you supposedly have that you think are going to waste were not contracted in the first place. If I hire you to drive me from point A to point B, why would you complain about not being able pilot a fighter jet? I don’t care if you think you can fly better than Maverick, I just want to get from my house to the train station.

And why did this all come up? Cause I was gonna help you figure out what was going on on your test system, but I couldn’t. Cause you couldn’t be damned to learn a password you went off and did you own thing. And me asking you to set it to the standard was me telling you how to be a sysadmin.

You sir, blow as a sysadmin.

Prove me wrong.

POSTSCRIPT:

Apology accepted…..

Captain Needa.

I’ve been a so called leader a few times in my lifetime. I’ve had good times and bad times. All in all though I will actively try not to be a leader ever again. The stress part of it aside, the real bane of leading is the “then I’ll quit” people.

You know those people. The ones that disagree with something and then make some suggestion that when not praised as the saving grace of whatever the current ailment is state “then I’ll just quit”.

I use to try and keep the peace. Try to make them understand that yes there comments are welcomed. Now… GTFO if you’re gonna be like that.

It’s a tactic that I’ve seen way too often, typically from people that do nothing but complain but don’t do any of the work. Moving forward in anything is so much more of a chore when you drag people like that along.

Now to up the ante on the level of annoyance of these people, they also do the whole “that’s not what I meant” thing.

You know what I mean. First they say “This sucks, I hate it”. Then when you call them out on it their response is “I never said it sucks. You misinterpreted what I said”.

Umm… no you said “it sucks”. In fact this situation happens a lot on message boards, so you can quote them:

Annoyance wrote:

This sucks. I hate it.

To which their reply of course is ” That’s not what I really meant”.

Bullshit. If that’s not what you meant, then don’t say/type it. Mean what you say. Say what you mean (”and as always, England Prevails!”).

Honestly how hard is it to take a minute, 60 seconds to review what you write for tone and how others may perceive what you’re saying.

Ugh.

The only thing that could top this crap sundae, is those people who say whatever it takes to get people pissed off (following the “this sucks” mantra), and then when others get pissed off, they act like the victim.

“Bullet in the brain pan. Squish.”

Honestly what’s the point of anything anymore?

What happened to those days where you worked your ass off and the company you bled for recognized that and took care of you?

What happened to that whole idea of treat others how you want to be treated?

What happened to understanding? Communication?

Why the fuck should I do anything for anyone, considering 9 times out of 10 their gonna bitch about what you did for them.

Why should I trust anyone when they’re just gonna screw you over the first chance they get?

Why should I depend on anyone when they leave just when you need them most?

Why should I look to others for hope when they themselves are hopeless.

What’s the fucking point anymore.

-Cynically yours