Distorted Cerebration

Once more I’m here trying to decipher myself, to explain to others (in the hopes, that I finally understand myself )

It seems to me that I have a power problem.  Not a struggle for power. I’m not building a fighting force of extra-ordinary magnitude.  I have no technological terrors that are completely operational. We’re talking more interpersonal power.

And it’s really odd one.  Would love to hear your comments on it.

You see I seem to ‘give’ power to those who I don’t know, and (just about) demand power from those I know very well.  Ironic eh?

You would think it would be opposite.  That when they met me they would soon learn who’s “the baddest mofo low down around this town?”  (Sho’nuff).  But instead my ego disappears. Completely.  I become an empty shell in the shape of Funk.

I just seem to blindly obey those I don’t know.  Ok, not completely. Ask for money and I don’t have it. But other than that I will seriously consider “obeying” if not just doing it.

And those that get that far of requesting things of me, have made it past the “don’t fuck with me” aka the expressionless face I usually have when near people I don’t know.

But for people I do know, I can be pushy. I can be a down right asshole sometimes.  Not so much an asshole that people hate me. Instead people seem to like me. Alot.  (They told me so :P).  I always get invited back.   But still that bossy attitude is there, with people I know.

Why does any of this matter?  Well meeting women is kinda hard when you turn into souless Mr. Roboto who hasn’t uploaded the conversation software yet.

Really need to find away to meet new people and know that “I am the master” at the same time.

Sho’nuff.

Dear Coworkers,

For some reason I feel it neccessary to give you a little primer on the guy some people call Funk.

If you see me in the hallways and I don’t have a smile on my face:

• I typically don’t have a smile on my face unless I’ve just been laughing my ass off at something
• I may be tired since I have bouts of insomnia
• I may be unhappy with my recent performance on something. I could of just saved the world from impending doom and still be unhappy with some detail that happened during the process of saving the world.
• I may be lost in thought trying to find a solution to something.
• I could of just worked with Novell Groupwise. Oh my goodness is that a shitty product.

I am not sleeping in the meeting. Just cause I don’t look to be enthralled does not mean I am not paying attention. See above or know that I really hate sales pitches. I really hate sales pitches. They are filled with empty promises and my experiance tells me that that shiny new product that sounds like it can even julianne fries is going to be a major headache for me.

If I don’t know you, or haven’t worked with you a lot, then I am most likely going to be guarded. I have tasted my foot one too many times in my life (ok, so I only remember two, but I learn quickly). So I am going to be quiet to try and learn as much about you as possible. You could be the most wonderful person in the world, but until I’ve seen that for myself I can’t fall into the trap of trusting yet another person who could possible screw me over.

I take many things related to my job seriously. And some not so much. It causes me much grief to try and find a happy balance where I don’t get pissy cause you tripped over one of my pet peeve’s about doing my job. Like telling me to reboot a Linux box. Linux machines typically don’t need to be rebooted to solve problems. So suggesting that first before learning anything about what the real problem is is going to get some ire out of me.

I hate being wrong. No I am not the type to manipulate the situation so that I’m right. Instead I’m going to be annoyed while trying to figure out where exactly I screwed up.

I am my own paradox. So many of the things I posted here come into conflict, and causes me to very indecisive at times.

I understand the power of perception. Perception is very powerful and can build or destroy entire countries. So I try to be careful with anything that could in anyway could cause a negative perception. Hence this post.

Everyone has their sore point. Mine seems to be Failure. Kinda common one that is, but yeah it bothers me.

I would rather not do something than fail at it. Doing it right, succeeding , winning all seem like very temporay things when compared to when I fail. Failure seems to last for a lifetime. I can almost remember all the times I failed. Can’t remember all the times I succeeded though.

In some instances this has helped me. Learning from one’s mistakes and all. But in recent years it’s almost become debilitating, keeping me stuck in neutral.

Yeah I know all the pretty flowery sayings about try and try again and the like. But when something like failure sticks in your mind and stays there, it’s hard to “just keep at it till you succeed”. To keep picking up stones and carrying them until you finally find a diamond is gonna get you hurt pretty bad. And recovering from that is a long process.

I’ve lucked out a lot, definitly. Almost comparable to a golden child in some instances. But that buff has seem to of worn off, and I can’t find the person to give it back. I wish they would hurry up and give it back though. These constant F’s have gotten to me. Beyond what they should of.

Today’s “All about Funk”, is a very simple lesson.

“If it happens to them, it can happen to me, and if you are on my list of people I care something about, then it happened to me.”

So when I rant about something, don’t always assume that it happened to me directly. It could of happened to you, and if I hold you in any kind of esteem, if I think you to be the victim of fucked up shit, then I take the incident personally, and it pisses me off as if I was on the receiving end.

It’s one of the reasons I retreat to the World of Warcraft, the World of Movies, or just in general Escapism. Because in those escapist worlds, there is usally resolution, some kind of ending, something that either I or the characters did to rectify that situation. Can’t do that in real life it seems.

Here I’ll even give you an example to go along with today’s lesson. Ironic however that it comes from one of those escapist worlds.

The character Athena on Battlestar Gallactica, happens to be a defector of the Cylon race. A race of machines that are indistinguishiable from humans, except for the way their cells are made. In an episode a military group decides to interigate her. Their methods of making her talk? Rape, Abuse, etc. The Rape doesn’t happen… stopped right before it starts. But what bothered me to this day is the mindset that generated this quote: “How can you rape a machine?”

Wait a tick. For all intents and purposes that ‘machine’ you were so eager to stick your dick into, to make talk, is human. You can’t even tell there is a difference unless you’ve seen that face before OR they go wooly and try to kill you. Science can’t even tell them apart…. but because you think she’s just a machine it’s alright to do whatever you bloody feel like?

If you can’t see why that pisses me off.. hell if that doesn’t piss you off then you have no fucking business in existance.