Distorted Cerebration

This is something I wanted to get off my chest, not something I want anyone that isn’t the person I talk about to do something with. If you do, do something and are not that person I may have to hurt you, just cause.

So following that whole F for Failure theme:

There’s this beautiful woman that alights my [ space not to be named ] from time to time. Any man would be crazy not to try and start a relationship with her. Accordingly I am slightly crazy. I definitly would like to hang out with her at least once, but I for some dumb reason I kept coming up with reasons not to do it.

• She’s too beautiful not to have someone already, so why bother?
• I don’t want others, that are unavoidable because of who she is, to be in my business. Not that she would go telling everyone, everything but there’s a possibility that things wouldn’t be underwraps so to speak
• I don’t want to fail
• I don’t want to fail and have things uneasy for time to come because of who she is. (yes that’s two different entries).
• I have a small anxiety about a certain policy that exists at [space not to be named].

Now I have spoken to her, she does know I exist. Hell she saw me around before I saw her. We were at Marist at the same time. But with my panic about the Sexual Harrasment policy I tried not to pay attention to the female students. It helps keep your job to do something like that, but has you dying a little bit inside each time when you fail to not notice.

So we spoke once. “Once!” (movie quote). But I didn’t persue right then and there. Why? Apart from the reasons above, I was in a bit of shock. As aware as I usally am about my surroundings, to not commit this woman to memory is just a travesty to being a man. Yeah I was trying not to notice, but still it’s the principalities smokey.

I am not obsessed with this woman. Obsessed is knowing what car she drives, the license plate and her arrival and departure times. I don’t know any of that and I don’t seek it out. Hell I don’t sit all day contemplating what she is doing. But I really would like to know her.

Chalk up another lost cause. Things might be different than what I perceive themt to be. It would be wonderful if things are different than what I perceive them to be.

But for now I just have to realize that I got another F.

Dear Coworkers,

For some reason I feel it neccessary to give you a little primer on the guy some people call Funk.

If you see me in the hallways and I don’t have a smile on my face:

• I typically don’t have a smile on my face unless I’ve just been laughing my ass off at something
• I may be tired since I have bouts of insomnia
• I may be unhappy with my recent performance on something. I could of just saved the world from impending doom and still be unhappy with some detail that happened during the process of saving the world.
• I may be lost in thought trying to find a solution to something.
• I could of just worked with Novell Groupwise. Oh my goodness is that a shitty product.

I am not sleeping in the meeting. Just cause I don’t look to be enthralled does not mean I am not paying attention. See above or know that I really hate sales pitches. I really hate sales pitches. They are filled with empty promises and my experiance tells me that that shiny new product that sounds like it can even julianne fries is going to be a major headache for me.

If I don’t know you, or haven’t worked with you a lot, then I am most likely going to be guarded. I have tasted my foot one too many times in my life (ok, so I only remember two, but I learn quickly). So I am going to be quiet to try and learn as much about you as possible. You could be the most wonderful person in the world, but until I’ve seen that for myself I can’t fall into the trap of trusting yet another person who could possible screw me over.

I take many things related to my job seriously. And some not so much. It causes me much grief to try and find a happy balance where I don’t get pissy cause you tripped over one of my pet peeve’s about doing my job. Like telling me to reboot a Linux box. Linux machines typically don’t need to be rebooted to solve problems. So suggesting that first before learning anything about what the real problem is is going to get some ire out of me.

I hate being wrong. No I am not the type to manipulate the situation so that I’m right. Instead I’m going to be annoyed while trying to figure out where exactly I screwed up.

I am my own paradox. So many of the things I posted here come into conflict, and causes me to very indecisive at times.

I understand the power of perception. Perception is very powerful and can build or destroy entire countries. So I try to be careful with anything that could in anyway could cause a negative perception. Hence this post.

Everyone has their sore point. Mine seems to be Failure. Kinda common one that is, but yeah it bothers me.

I would rather not do something than fail at it. Doing it right, succeeding , winning all seem like very temporay things when compared to when I fail. Failure seems to last for a lifetime. I can almost remember all the times I failed. Can’t remember all the times I succeeded though.

In some instances this has helped me. Learning from one’s mistakes and all. But in recent years it’s almost become debilitating, keeping me stuck in neutral.

Yeah I know all the pretty flowery sayings about try and try again and the like. But when something like failure sticks in your mind and stays there, it’s hard to “just keep at it till you succeed”. To keep picking up stones and carrying them until you finally find a diamond is gonna get you hurt pretty bad. And recovering from that is a long process.

I’ve lucked out a lot, definitly. Almost comparable to a golden child in some instances. But that buff has seem to of worn off, and I can’t find the person to give it back. I wish they would hurry up and give it back though. These constant F’s have gotten to me. Beyond what they should of.

No No… not what you and I especially would hope the title means…. more benign it is.

Tonight I did something that I never thought I’d do.. or at least have the balls to do…. once again, that’s not what it is.

No tonight quite simply I did what I wanted to do without regard to the feelings of the people involved.

Yeah, that’s right, that’s all I did… I did something that I wanted without worrying about the person on the other end.

I usually don’t do things like that. I usually do the ‘nice’ thing even when I don’t have to, or am actively encouraged to do otherwise. Tonight, I just felt like it. I felt like doing what I wanted to do. What exactly did I do?

I set someone up and they got killed.

Again, that statement isn’t what it sounds like.

I didn’t intend for that player’s character to be killed off… at least not that fast. But the great thing is that I set it all up, and his demise came swiftly with so much plausible deniability on my part, it’s the story that presidents and high ranking officials dream of.

Now I have no ill will to the player himself… he was just in the wrong dungeon at the wrong time. That and he was an elf.

One character dies, my character lives. And I giggled my mother fucking ass off.

My it feels good to be chaotic evil.

Today’s “All about Funk”, is a very simple lesson.

“If it happens to them, it can happen to me, and if you are on my list of people I care something about, then it happened to me.”

So when I rant about something, don’t always assume that it happened to me directly. It could of happened to you, and if I hold you in any kind of esteem, if I think you to be the victim of fucked up shit, then I take the incident personally, and it pisses me off as if I was on the receiving end.

It’s one of the reasons I retreat to the World of Warcraft, the World of Movies, or just in general Escapism. Because in those escapist worlds, there is usally resolution, some kind of ending, something that either I or the characters did to rectify that situation. Can’t do that in real life it seems.

Here I’ll even give you an example to go along with today’s lesson. Ironic however that it comes from one of those escapist worlds.

The character Athena on Battlestar Gallactica, happens to be a defector of the Cylon race. A race of machines that are indistinguishiable from humans, except for the way their cells are made. In an episode a military group decides to interigate her. Their methods of making her talk? Rape, Abuse, etc. The Rape doesn’t happen… stopped right before it starts. But what bothered me to this day is the mindset that generated this quote: “How can you rape a machine?”

Wait a tick. For all intents and purposes that ‘machine’ you were so eager to stick your dick into, to make talk, is human. You can’t even tell there is a difference unless you’ve seen that face before OR they go wooly and try to kill you. Science can’t even tell them apart…. but because you think she’s just a machine it’s alright to do whatever you bloody feel like?

If you can’t see why that pisses me off.. hell if that doesn’t piss you off then you have no fucking business in existance.

Honestly what’s the point of anything anymore?

What happened to those days where you worked your ass off and the company you bled for recognized that and took care of you?

What happened to that whole idea of treat others how you want to be treated?

What happened to understanding? Communication?

Why the fuck should I do anything for anyone, considering 9 times out of 10 their gonna bitch about what you did for them.

Why should I trust anyone when they’re just gonna screw you over the first chance they get?

Why should I depend on anyone when they leave just when you need them most?

Why should I look to others for hope when they themselves are hopeless.

What’s the fucking point anymore.

-Cynically yours

So you and your band of confusingly evil friends are exploring a dungeon. You come across a Dryder and a few of his friends. Words are not minced and fighting lasts for what seems an eternity.

Your original targets finally die, but some where in the course of battle one your friends, stealthy one of course, lets it be known to other Dryders in the area that you are in a deadly tango with their friend.

Now here you are, the final battle, it’s almost over. You have the last Dryder cornered and he appears hurt. He backs away against the wall and offers to remove all the barriers from the room as long you back away and leave him be. He seems ready with something, something deadly…

Pop Quiz hot-shot, what do you do?

What any normal fool would do, you keep arguing with him telling him he’s gonna die. Real smart.

Too bad that 96 point Fireball Mr Dryder had as a readied action was big enough to destroy the Helm of Brillance sitting atop your friends head. Who happened to be dead smack in the middle of the group.

8 Prismatic Sprays, 19 Walls of Fire and 38 Fireballs later everyone is cripsy.

Nice going hot shot.

While trying to decide on what to write about next I realized exactly why I named this site Distorted Cerebration.

The thing is, that I find it difficult to decide because every thought leads into another thought which becomes entangled into the first,  becoming it’s own (wait for it).. distorted thought, which leads into another, engulfing the first.

And so on and so on.

So if I think about writing about the complexity of the issue of my father, I end up on the other end trying to decide how to elloborate about my issue with respect in the workplace.

It gets very confusing trying to follow the conversations in my head.

Almost makes me wonder who was really crazy.. my ex-girlfriends or me.   Well in a manner of speaking I guess it was me considering that I stayed with them as long as I did.  But being accused of being possesed by the Devil and trying to decipher the meaning of a H-Spot from a druken lightweight in the course of a game of druken cherades, methinks is enough to say that I was the saner of the group.

What was I talking about again?